Jewish World Review June 13, 2002 /3 Tamuz, 5762
Victims of Eminem's latest verbal
assaults agree to mend their ways
Lynne Cheney, Moby, Thousands of Others Take Rapper's Criticisms to
A diverse collection of celebrities, political figures, and family members who were
singled out for vituperative attack in "The Eminem Show," the hot-selling new CD by
the rapper Eminem, announced today that they would attempt to mend their ways in
accordance with Eminem's criticisms.
"Eminem pointed out a number of things I did that were hypocritical and
wrong-headed," said Lynne V. Cheney, wife of Vice-President Dick Cheney. "Upon
reflection, I now see that he is absolutely right -- and I want to offer my sincerest
"It is my hope," Mrs. Cheney continued, "that if I work hard enough to improve my
behavior, I will someday earn Eminem's trust."
Mrs. Cheney's decision to take Eminem's profane attack in the spirit of constructive
criticism was echoed by the electronic musician Moby.
"I never realized how lame I was until I heard Eminem astutely mention it on his
CD," Moby said. "He's really given me a lot to think about - and to work on."
Eminem, however, remained unmoved by his victims' contrite statements, issuing a
statement of his own in which he repeated his oft-stated desire that they contract
incurable diseases and die.
"We hear you," Mrs. Cheney said.
The meeting of Eminem's victims, numbering in the thousands, filled the Los
Angeles Convention Center over the past three days to overflow capacity, snarling
traffic throughout the downtown area.
The meeting featured motivational speakers and several educational workshops
with names like "How to Make Eminem Like You More" and "If Eminem Says You're
A Ho, You Probably Are."
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz