John Leo
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | There's a problem in Florida's Panhandle. Some residents think their area's name leaves the impression that panhandling is the major local activity. So they want their area to be known as "Florida's Great Northwest." Why not? Many accountants are unhappy with their name, too.
They prefer "cognitors," even though this sounds like a herd at Jurassic Park. In football, some fans think a long and desperate last-second pass should not be called a "Hail Mary" play because of the religious reference. They think it should be called, well, a long and desperate last-second pass. Yes, America effortlessly churns out euphemisms and upscale name changes. Here are some current ones:
Comparative ads: attack ads
Traffic-calming road insertions: speed bumps
In-depth interrogation: torture
Visual harassment: staring
Unacknowledged repetitions: plagiarism
Derivative passages: plagiarism
Inadvertently copying long sections of someone else's book and putting it in yours: plagiarism
Roster management: eliminating male athletes, adding females
Verbal abuse: criticism
Assaultive expression: criticism
Linguistic domestic violence: criticism of a wife
Abductees (in Sudan): slaves
Tribal chief: swarthy, non-English-speaking leader you admire
Warlord: swarthy, non-English-speaking leader you do not admire
Self-sacrifice bombers: suicide bombers
Targeting process error: looks like we killed a lot of civilians
Activist volunteering (feminese): helping to kidnap a child from a father who has custody
Tree-density reduction: chopping down every tree in sight
Isolated reflection interval: timeout
Mandatory discontinued attendance: suspension
Cultural genocide: correcting a pupil's nonstandard English
Multicultural issues editor: censor
Psychological violence: disapproval
Creating personal accounts: privatizing Social Security
Unpaid sex worker: wife
Sexual service provider: paid sex worker, hooker
Death tax: inheritance tax
Duty-not-paid importing: smuggling
Cosmetically saturated: wearing too much makeup
Fragrance abuse: wearing too much perfume
Olfactory assault: wearing any perfume at all
Nondiscretionary fragrance: body odor
Robust peacekeeping: killing troublesome locals
Coercive pregnancy: turned down for a late abortion
Mandatory motherhood: turned down for a late abortion
Pregnancy-related services: abortion
Product of conception: baby
Evacuate cranial contents: suck the baby's brains out
Action figures: dolls for boys
Nuclear transplantation: cloning
Poorly buffered precipitation: acid rain
Smoothers: girdles
Spouse equivalent: lover
Polyamory: wild promiscuity
Person-centered sexuality with permissive affection: anything goes
Nontraditional sex: perversions
Comprehensive sex education: sex-ed classes stressing the things your parents hope you will never do
Hemp activist: pot promoter
Problem-plagued: drug-addled
Post-verdict response: riot
Uprising: a riot you approve of
Granted "access" to my body (Boston clerical term): had sex with a young male
Occupant restraints: seat belts
Race-sensitive programs: preferences, quotas
Faith-based organizations: religious organizations
Deer management: shooting all the deer
Activity intolerance: lower back pain
Economic profiling: getting turned down for a loan because of a poor credit rating
Made possible by: we don't take advertising, but here comes an ad anyway
Relationship manager: salesperson
Persistency specialist: bill collector
Tactical pricing: panicky price cuts
Intercommunal coexistence (from a program at Brandeis): getting along
Mainstreaming (journalese): quoting one member of every race, gender, orientation, and ethnic group in all news reports, even ones about ailing turtles, bad weather, or Martha Stewart
Lifestyle and Fitness competition: Miss America's swimsuit competition
The (nongendered) monarchy, the power, and the glory: the (patriarchal) kingdom, the power, and the glory
Creator, Redeemer, Sustainer: Father, Son, Holy Spirit
Involuntary normal attrition: laying off workers
Managing down: laying off workers
Rightsizing: laying off workers
Job survivor: person not yet rightsized, attrited, or managed down
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JWR contributor John Leo's latest book is Incorrect Thoughts: Notes on Our Wayward
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